Walking Bear

WE3 - 55 - 98
Bears in Physics
 15SEP98




  1. Law of Bear Inertia
    A Bear at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of a box of powdered sugar donuts, or a nearby scurrying fox.
  2. Law of Bear Motion
    A Bear will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
  3. Law of Bear Acceleration
    A Bear will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
  4. Law of Obedience Resistance
    A Bear's resistance varies in direct proportion to a human's desire for it to do something.
  5. Law of Bear Disinterest
    A Bear's interest level will vary in direct proportion to the amount of effort expended in trying to make him go away.
  6. Law of Bear Embarrassment
    A Bear's irritation rises in direct proportion to its embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
  7. Law of Bear Composition
    A Bear is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
  8. First Law of Energy Conservation
    Bears know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
  9. Second Law of Energy Conservation
    Bears also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
  10. Law of Random Comfort Seeking
    A Bear will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in the woods.
  11. Law of Bear Landing
    A Bear will always land in the softest place possible.
  12. Law of Bear Sleeping
    All Bears must sleep whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the Bear.
  13. Law of Bear Thermodynamics
    Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a Bear, in which case all heat flows to the Bear.
  14. Law of Bear Stretching
    A Bear will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
  15. Law of Bear Elongation
    A Bear can make its body long enough to reach any hanging backpack that has anything remotely interesting in it.
  16. Law of Dinner Table Attendance
    Bears must attend all meals when anything good is served.
  17. Law of Vehicular Observation
    If a Bear watches a vehicle long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
  18. Law of Grocery-Bag / Ice-Chest Occupancy
    All Grocery-Bags and Ice-Chests in a given campsite must contain a Bear within the earliest possible nanosecond.
  19. Law of Sugar Consumption
    A Bear will eat his weight in sugar, squared, just to show you he can.
  20. Law of Fluid Displacement
    A Bear immersed in honey will displace its own volume, minus the amount of honey consumed.
  21. Law of Tent Replacement
    A Bear's desire to destroy a tent is directly proportional to the cost of the tent.
  22. Law of Bear Magnetism
    All wounded buffaloes attract Bears in direct proportion to the amplitude of their moaning.





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Last update: 13MAY98 0344HRS

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